Month: September 2007

Sitting and Thinking

Jan Wouter Wildbergh

A couple weeks ago a great guy left our world.
Jan Wouter Wildbergh was a mans man. He and my father respected each other deeply and were the strongest most determined men I knew. No challenge they faced was an obstacle; it was an adventure.

Life is full of regrets, and one of mine will always be that I did not get to see more of him over the years; there was a lot of history behind those smiling eyes, and a lot of joy in his presence.

The easy part is going; dying, the hard part is for the rest of us who remain to gather the pieces of our now fractured reality.

His ex-wife Nita. two children; Karin & Mark, and his widow Rose Marie, all the grandchildren & extended family now face a world so alien, so different than the one they were living in only weeks ago. My heart goes out to them and hurts with their sorrow.

My parents are long gone; papa only 6 or 7 years ago, my mom in 1987. Each time, when I stood in their homes afterwards, I felt what I can only describe as a distinct absence of their energy.

When you view the body of one who is deceased you can sense that this form that remains is an empty shell; the life, the spirit, the energy that animated it and made it the person we knew is gone and all that is left behind is their shell.

When you stand in their home; still furnished with what had been their valuables and possessions, there is the same feeling – it is not just quiet…it is empty. It is a emptiness so deep I can only imagine it is because they took with them the energy they had used to create and maintain this world they had shared with us.

A dear friend of mine; now facing her own imminent death once told me that she could feel it whenever I entered the room. I never really understood that till I stood in a room where I could feel my parents energy absent.

I am a great believer in the parallel universe theory in quantum physics. Part of the reason I believe it because despite of physically traumatic event I have experienced I remain relitivly, remarkably, intact. In simple terms; imagine that you come to a fork in the road: you have a choice right or left. No matter which direction you go the other choice will be realized as well – the universe will split and another you will travel down that road and experience life from that perspective until its end.

In some reality my mom is still living; a happier life. As is my father and Wout and myself. The world they live in is to them just as real as this one is to me.
Sometimes I try to yell across that seemingly great divide of space and time; a plea to those other me’s to hug our parents just a little harder; not only so that they will know that they are so special, but because it will hurt so much when that alternate me comes to that point in their future when they are not able to hug them again.

What and why is death? But then again, what and why is life?
I can understand sometimes why some people die; they seem to reach a point where nothing makes sense to them anymore. They no longer can tolerate the way the world is; modern music, films, books, politics, it is so far from what they remember that they no longer feel like they fit in.

Some people live tragic lives and, if this world is a learning place, I wonder if it is for their benefit or ours.

Quantum physics shows us that the image of a solid world is an illusion; if you look down deep enough you find that everything is made out of vibrating energy. Energy we are told can change but not be destroyed. If we, who think ourselves solid are in fact energy which in turn can not be destroyed…where do we go?

Further. If everything is energy, vibrating at different rates then there are no real boundaries between me and this chair I am sitting on or the keyboard under my fingers. If you look at a digital image of your hand on your computer, and you keep zooming in the image, eventually the hand is no longer recognizable as the pixels become larger- you cant even tell where the last pixel that made up your hand ends and the first pixel that makes up the space around it begins. Such is the fabric of our reality – there is no separation. Are our spirits concentrated globs of energy inhabiting even more concentrated globs of energy we call a body?

With the fabric of space being merely a vast field of energy, and linear time being an illusion as well…everything that ever was and will be is always around us.

I envision the “Big Bang” as being Gods urge to know itself; a great big “what if?” reaching out in every conceivable direction.

And I have a theory. As each “what if” in which we inhabit comes to its conclusion then the “I” we were in that reality or universe releases its hold on that reality and then both returns to the One God source as well as the rest of the expressions of itself in their respected realities. I say ‘both’ because, again, there is no separation, only energy. To the person in those realities there is no recognition of such; they are immediatly involved in the alternate reality closeest to the one they just left and never even realize that there was a shift; they’ll thank their lucky stars that they escaped, or maybe experience a reeality where they have more physical limitations, but never knowing that some other expression of themselves has come to its end.

I have broken my neck, had over a dozen pneumonias, been in some horrendous automobile accidents, even damn near eviscerated my self a couple years back in a accident at work. Despite some aches and scars I am fully intact…but did all my alternate selves fair as well? I believe that in a number of those alternate realities those expressions drew to a close and, for however long as I am ‘here’ there may well be others that will end as well.
Eventually there will be only one expression of ‘me’ remaining. That one will have the accumulated experiences of all the alternate me’s that were created and, as well, all the knowledge they gathered. This last remaining me will understand that there is no death because dying implies separation, removing itself from all that is, and that can not happen.

Perhaps the realization will come to that me one morning at dawn; sitting on a favorite rock by a quiet lake. As the sun breaks over the horizon, and understanding breaks through the last barrier of his mind, I can see him standing with a smile, reaching out his arms to embrace the light…and letting go of everything he thought he had to hold on to.